TV – Dragon Tales

☻☺☺☺☺
(one smiley face out of five)

Dragon Tales is a cartoon produced by the Sesame Workshop that airs on PBS. It was made from 1999 to 2005, but is still regularly re-run on Public Television. It is aimed at children from about the ages of three to six years old.

Dragon Tales stars brother and sister Emmy and Max, and later, their friend Enrique, who conveniently injects a little Spanish into the show. The premise is that Emmy and Max have a magic dragon scale that occasionally “calls” them to Dragon Land, a magical place populated by dragons.

I think I would rather lick an electrical outlet than watch this show. First off, there’s nothing particularly educational about it, except that it’s a very “feel good” program that aims to teach about friendship and manners and treating others as you’d like to be treated, but aren’t our kids already completely saturated with that message from parents, television, preschool teachers and then kindergarten?

One of the dragons, Ord, is supposed to be lovably dimwitted, but he comes off as so straightforwardly stupid that he’s hard to like. Then there’s Zac and Wheezy, a two-headed sibling dragon whose voices are both so annoying that I can barely stand it when they’re on screen. (Zac sounds as if he’s got a chronic sinus infection and Wheezy’s voice is high and grating.)

The plots are insipid. The animation is low quality. Max whines incessantly. The dialogue is banal. The first time I watched Dragon Tales I distinctly remember being very disappointed that it’s produced by Sesame Workshop, as this show shouldn’t even be mentioned in the same breath with such a stunningly brilliant children’s television show as Sesame Street.

Thankfully, my child was only “into” Dragon Tales for a few weeks. In my opinion, unless your child is just very attached to this show, there’s no point in wasting your child’s very valuable brain time in front of the boob tube for Dragon Tales.

DVD – Baby Einstein

☻☻☻☻☺
(four smiley faces out of five)

The Baby Einstein series of videos are targeted toward children aged a few months to about three years old. They consist of music—often classical—paired with the actions of brightly colored puppets and toys, and sometimes live-action shots of animals or babies or children. Each Baby Einstein video focuses on a particular theme, such as Beethoven or Mozart or animals or shapes or language. Besides videos, Baby Einstein produces toys and books. The Baby Einstein videos were started by mom Julie Clark and are now owned by Disney, though Ms. Clark is still in charge of the Baby Einstein company.

Now, there is some controversy surrounding the Baby Einstein videos. Some people think it’s horrifying to actually try to engage babies in television watching. And I do have to say that I always thought it was disturbing that these DVDs had as a menu option to either “Play Once” (ummm … yes, please) or “Repeat” (Seriously? What freakoid is putting his or her baby in front of a repeating Baby Einstein video, and why would the company even make that a menu option?). But maybe they’ve stopped doing that now; it’s been a few years since I’ve watched one.

Just yesterday I heard on NPR that the company is offering full refunds to anyone who purchased a Baby Einstein video between June 5, 2004 and September 4, 2009, because apparently an activist group (okay, mostly Harvard psychology professor Susan Linn) didn’t like that Baby Einstein was insinuating that its videos are educational. The Baby Einstein company denies ever claiming that their videos are educational, but c’mon. They’re called Baby EINSTEIN and Einstein was no idiot.

Obviously, making the decision to let your baby watch television is a highly personal one. Some people are going to be dead set against it, and that’s okay. It’s a free country.

But when you have a baby like mine, one who’s fussy and wants to be held and entertained all the time, it’s like a miracle to occasionally be able to put on a video and get a 30-minute break. I looked at it this way: the videos could shake a succession of toys and puppets in my baby’s face faster than I could, and the videos seemed to have a soothing effect on her. I never, ever thought of the videos as being educational, so I personally don’t even care about the whole educational vs. not educational controversy. Sometimes I just desperately needed a short respite from being a physically exhausted basket-case of a new mother.

And, as a sleep-deprived new parent, I have to say that I never minded watching the Baby Einstein videos with my baby/young child. Even if there was a segment I didn’t care for, I knew the next segment would be coming up quickly, and sometimes the animals and kids and toys are cute. The puppet work in the Baby Einstein videos is so-so.

Ultimately, you’ll have to be the one to decide whether or not to let your very young child should watch these videos. But if you do decide to purchase any Baby Einstein videos, I think you’ll find them not only tolerable, but on some days, the only thing that saves your sanity.

TV - Dora the Explorer

☻☻☻☺☺
(three smiley faces out of five)
Dora the Explorer is a cartoon airing on the Nickelodeon networks for young kids aged two to five or so. Dora is a seven-year-old Latina girl who travels the world with her monkey friend Boots on various adventures.

In each episode, Dora and Boots have a quest to fulfill, which usually involves helping a person or animal, and in each episode the antagonist is Swiper the fox. Swiper’s mission is usually to try and take whatever object Dora and Boots need that episode, whether it’s something they’re trying to deliver to someone else, or, for instance, a shape that they need to fix the road or bridge in front of them so that they may continue on their quest. Luckily, Dora has a magic backpack that can produce almost anything Dora and Boots might need to help them on their quests, from skis to wagons.

Dora the Explorer does a good job of teaching fairness and kindness to others, and it does a great job of injecting a little bit of Spanish into small kids’ vocabularies. The show often tries to teach kids about shapes and colors, and there’s often a pause in the dialogue that’s meant to allow little kids to be able to verbally interject their answers to Dora’s questions. The show also tries to get little kids to get up and move around while touching on the fact that there are different cultures all over the world.

But because this blog is about children’s shows that adults can also enjoy, this show receives only three smiley faces out of five.

Dora’s voice is nasal to the point of bordering on maddening. Boots is cute if you’re three, but not when you’re twenty-three and especially not if you’re thirty-three. He’s just a sidekick who’s kind of … there. There’s nothing particularly clever or funny about Boots.

Same goes for Swiper. About the only amusing thing Swiper says is “Oh, man!” when his moderately evil plan is foiled. When Dora and Boots succeed on their missions, there is this bizarre little mariachi band made up of a grasshopper, a frog and a slug that play a quick happy tune, and that’s about the only thing that ever makes me crack a smile.

The other recurring characters that pop up are just as uninteresting, and the guest characters are usually weird, but not in a good way.

Dora’s plotlines do tend to be odd—for example, Dora and Boots often get caught up in a fairy tale—but still not unusual enough to be inventive. The dialogue is almost never clever or witty.

Because of Dora’s popularity, it’s probably going to be difficult to keep your preschool to kindergarten aged kid away from this show. But it’s certainly not going to hurt him or her, either. Just try to unload the dishwasher or fold some laundry in the next room while it’s on.

TV - Sponge Bob Square Pants

☻☻☻☻☺

(four smiley faces out of five)

Sponge Bob Square Pants is a cartoon airing on the Nickelodeon networks that’s enjoyed by kids and parents aged four and up. (Wait; what?) Now, I’ve met a few people who don’t care for Sponge Bob, but most people with even the smallest speck of a sense of humor genuinely enjoy watching this cartoon with their kids.

Sponge Bob Square Pants centers on a little square yellow sponge (named Sponge Bob, obviously) who lives in Bikini Bottom (are you cracking a smirk yet?) with his pet snail that sounds like a cat and his dimwitted best friend Patrick the pink star fish. Sponge Bob works as a fry cook at the Krusty Krab for his notoriously cheap boss Mr. Krabs—whose daughter, oddly enough, is a whale—(and by the way, I LOVE this running gag in Sponge Bob because they NEVER explain why Pearl is a whale or who Pearl’s mother is or was). Sponge Bob works alongside Squidward, a grumpy, artistically frustrated squid who also happens to be Sponge Bob’s neighbor. But the main antagonist in Sponge Bob is Plankton, a really, really tiny, green, evil genius who owns a competing restaurant in Bikini Bottom—the Chumbucket—and is married to his computer wife, Karen.

(Can you even believe how *&$@ing crazy this cartoon sounds? Can I fit any more parentheses into this review?)

Some of the best episodes of Sponge Bob are as good as any of the best episodes of the old Looney Toons cartoons. The writing is witty and fresh and far superior to almost every other cartoon being made right now. The story lines are deliciously clever and sometimes border on the brink of insanity.

I’d give this cartoon five smiley faces out of five if the quality hadn’t started to fall off a bit a couple of years ago. But Nick has to keep churning out new episodes because Sponge Bob is so gosh-darned popular and makes more money than a chastity belt salesman at a Promise Keepers convention.

Of course, if you’re an extremely straight-laced person with a strict moral code, then there will definitely be material in Sponge Bob to offend you and you should avoid it at all costs. There is also a danger of your kid becoming seriously addicted to Sponge Bob, and eventually, you might start to get tired of it, as Nickelodeon keeps it in heavy rotation.

Overall, though, Sponge Bob gets a huge thumbs-up from everyone in our household and most of our friends with kids’ households.

TV - Sesame Street

☻☻☻☻☻

(five smiley faces out of five)

Let’s start this blog with the mother of all children’s television shows. Debuting in 1969, Sesame Street is the longest-running children’s television show in U.S. history.

It’s also one of the absolute best. Mostly aimed at the pre-kindergarten crowd, Sesame Street airs on Public Television.

I loved Sesame Street when I was a child and continue to love it today, as did my child when she was pre-K. The writing is exemplary, the educational value is outstanding, the cultural diversity and sensitivity give me hope for humankind, and the performances of the actors and puppeteers are always top-notch.

Sesame Street has always managed to deliver all of this while being genuinely entertaining, both for children and adults. I can’t count the number of times I’ve watched Sesame Street as a grownup and found myself laughing out loud at the jokes or being delighted by a special celebrity guest. (And let’s face it, the guest celebrities are for us parents; most of the time, little kids don’t even know who those people are.)

Sure, some parents find Elmo’s high voice to be a bit annoying, but most people can give Elmo a pass when they see how their little boy or girl’s face lights up when Elmo appears on the screen. And then there was that flap several years ago when some moronic preacher declared that Ernie and Bert were gay (where’s your head at buddy?) but most of us non mouth breathers know that even if Ernie and Bert were gay, it just wouldn’t matter, because Ernie is freaking hilarious.

I sincerely hope that until the day I die I can remember the lyrics to this song whenever I need a smile:

One-two-three-four-five, six-seven-eight-nine-ten,
Ten tiny turtles on the telephone
Talking with the grocery man
(Ya da da da!)

We would like some lettuce,
Will you send us ten heads please?
And ten sweet potatoes
And ten rutabagas with the dimples on their knees.

And send us 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 artichokes;
Ten eggplants—over easy
That's one of our little jokes (ha ha ha).

Ten leafy, leafy collard greens
And please make sure they're washed;

Light up our eyes
Brighten our lives
With ten banana squash.

We'll need ten cans of black-eyed peas
They give you good strong muscles
Ten of those tasty sprouts—
The ones that they call Brussels
We'd also like ten mangos
They're the favorite of our sister Gert;
And one last thing,
Please do include ten apples for dessert.

TEN!

FAQ

Why are you so mean?

I dunno. Maybe it’s because my parents didn’t raise me right. Maybe it’s because I have too many (or not enough) aberrant hormones raging through my sagging, middle-aged body. But mostly I think it’s because that poor entertainment in general just cheeses me off, and just because a television show, movie or book is created for children doesn’t mean that people (grownups!) should cut corners on quality. If something is crap, I like to call it like it is and warn others. If you disagree with my opinion, that’s great! Please feel free to say so.

Why are so many of your reviews for television shows or movies on DVD?

I am a stay-at-home mom. This means that we’re a one-income family and we just don’t want to spend the money on the movies out at the theater. When we do go see a movie, you can bet I’ll write a review about it. And though we own many, many children’s books, we tend to buy the classics and not so often the ones that are hot off the press.

If you have produced a new movie, book or television show for the children’s market, please feel free to email me at afraley @ sunflower (dot) com, I'll give you my address, you may send the material my way and I will be more than happy to review it. Keep in mind, though, that just because you go to the trouble to send me your material doesn't mean I'll show it any favoritism.

What makes you think you’re qualified to write these reviews?

Well, nothing, really, other than I have now watched hours of children’s television and movies and I’ve always loved children’s books. But I did earn a bachelor’s degree in English from the University of Kansas and I’ve worked as a writer, reporter and editor for various newspapers and magazines for about twelve years now. Finally, between my connections with parents in the stay-at-home mom club I belong to, my kid's grade school and Daisy Scouts, I quite often find myself speaking with fellow parents about kids' shows--which ones they like, which ones they don't, which ones they won't let their kids watch under any circumstances, which ones they dread their kids watching ... those sorts of things.

Do you really let your kid watch that much television?

Our child’s viewing habits are probably a lot like your child’s: some days yes, she watches waaay too much and other days she watches nothing. It depends on whether or not she went to school that day or she’s home sick, whether or not it’s snowing or raining outside, whether or not I’m sick or dead-dog tired, and about a million other factors.